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“She’s
kept her love for him as alive as the summer they first met. In order to do
this, she’s turned life away. Sometimes she subsists for days on water and air.
Being the only known complex life-form to do this, she should have a species
named after her. Once Uncle Julian told me how the sculptor and painter Alberto
Giacometti said that sometimes just to paint a head you have to give up the
whole figure. To paint a leaf, you have to sacrifice the whole landscape. It
might seem like you’re limiting yourself at first, but after a while you
realize that having a quarter-of-an-inch of something you have a better chance
of holding on to a certain feeling of the universe than if you pretended to be
doing the whole sky. My
mother did not choose a leaf or a head. She chose my father. And to hold on to
a certain feeling, she sacrificed the world.The problem, of course, was that
[he] saw the world in black and white. And he got to decide what was black and
what was white. You can't love a person who lives that way without fearing him
too. Maybe even hating him a little. When you're in love you never really know
whether your elation comes from the qualities of the one you love, or if it
attributes them to her; whether the light which surrounds her like a halo comes
from you, from her, or from the meeting of your sparks “Depression is the flaw
in love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what
we lose, and depression is the mechanism of that despair. I...I sang," she
whispered, "if that matters," and Karou felt her heart pulled to
pieces. This Misbegotten warrior, fiercest of them all, had crouched in an icy
stream bed to sing a chimera soul into her canteen, because she hadn't known
what else to do.
The singing wouldn't have mattered, but she wasn't
going to tell Liraz that. If Ziri's soul was in that canteen, Karou would
happily learn whatever song Liraz had sung and make it part of her resurrection
ritual forever, just so that the angel would never feel that she'd been foolish.
Love, whether newly born or aroused from a deathlike slumber, must always
create sunshine, filling the heart so full of radiance, that it overflows upon
the outward world, Calling it a simple schoolgirl crush was like saying a
Rolls-Royce was a vehicle with four wheels, something like a hay-wagon. She did
not giggle wildly and blush when she saw him, nor did she chalk his name on
trees or write it on the walls of the Kissing Bridge. She simply lived with his
face in her heart all the time, a kind of sweet, hurtful ache. She would have
died for him, “When
I asked my da how ye knew which was the right woman, he told me when the time
came, I'd have no doubt. And I didn't. When I woke in the dark under that tree
on the road to Leoch, with you sitting on my chest, cursing me for bleeding to
death, I said to myself 'Jamie Fraser, for all ye canna see what she looks
like, and for all she weights as much as a good draft horse, this is the woman.
“You, of all people, deserve a happy ending. Despite everything that happened
to you, you aren't bitter. You aren't cold. You've just retreated a little and
been shy, and that's okay. If I were a fairy godmother, I would give you your
heart's desire in an istant. And I would wipe away your tears and tell you not
to cry. Perhaps
all the questions we ask of love, to measure, test, probe, and save it, have
the additional effect of cutting it short. Perhaps the reason we are unable to
love is that we yearn to be loved, that is, we demand something (love) from our
partner instead of delivering ourselves up to him demand-free and asking for
nothing but his company. Your truest
friends are the ones who will stand by you in your darkest moments--because
they're willing to brave the shadows with you--and in your greatest
moments--because they're not afraid to let you shine, If you enter this world
knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then
everything that happens in between can be dealt with.
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