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What is it about the moment you fall in love?
How can such a small measure of time contain such enormity? I suddenly realize
why people believe in déjà vu, why people believe they've lived past lives,
because there is no way the years I've spent on this earth could possibly
encapsulate what I'm feeling. The moment you fall in love feels like it has
centuries behind it, generations—all of them rearranging themselves so that
this precise, remarkable intersection could happen. In you heart, in your
bones, no matter how silly you know it is, you feel that everything has been
leading to this, all the secret arrows were pointing here, the universe and
time itself crafted this long ago, and you are just now realizing it, you are now
just arriving at the place you were always meant to be. What is home? My favorite definition is "a
safe place," a place where one is free from attack, a place where one
experiences secure relationships and affirmation. It's a place where people
share and understand each other. Its relationships are nurturing. The people in
it do not need to be perfect; instead, they need to be honest, loving,
supportive, recognizing a common humanity that makes all of us vulnerable.You
think that holding someone hard will bring them closer. You think that you can
hold them so hard that you'll still feel them, embossed on you, when you pull
away.
Every time Eleanor pulled away from Park, she felt
the gasping loss of him. Nobody in my life has ever known me the way you do.
Nobody in my life has ever made me feel as good as you do. You know me, you
know everything about me, and when you leave me, you're going to be leaving the
real me, the me nobody else has ever seen, that's who you're going to be
rejecting. The best love in the world, is the love of a man. The love of a man
who came from your womb, the love of your son! I don't have a daughter, but
maybe the love of a daughter is the best, too. I am first and foremost me, but
right after that, I am a mother. The best thing that I can ever be, is me. But
the best gift that I will ever have, is being a mother. The unqualified truth
is, that when I loved Estella with the love of a man, I loved her simply
because I found her irresistible. Once for all; I knew to my sorrow, often and
often, if not always, that I loved her against reason, against promise, against
peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could
be. Once for all; I love her none the less because I knew it, and it had no more
influence in restraining me, than if I had devoutly believed her to be human
perfection . “Sometimes
it’s like people are a million times more beautiful to you in your mind. It’s
like you see them through a special lens — but maybe if it’s how you see
them,that’s how they really are. It’s like the whole tree falling in the forest
thing.I'm like a starving man who has been given food. Maybe he's cold, and his
clothes are torn, and he's ashamed, but he's not unhappy. I understand
addiction now. I never did before, you know. How could a man (or a woman) do
something so self-destructive, knowing that they’re hurting not only
themselves, but the people they love? It seemed that it would be so incredibly
easy for them to just not take that next drink. Just stop. It’s so simple,
really. But as so often happens with me, my arrogance kept me from seeing the
truth of the matter.
I see it now though.
Every day, I tell myself it will be the last. Every night, as I’m falling asleep in his bed, I tell myself that tomorrow I’ll book a flight to Paris, or Hawaii, or maybe New York. It doesn’t matter where I go, as long as it’s not here. I need to get away from Phoenix—away from him—before this goes even one step further.
And then he touches me again, and my convictions disappear like smoke in the wind.
This cannot end well. That’s the crux of the matter, Sweets. I’ve been down this road before—you know I have—and there’s only heartache at the end. There’s no happy ending waiting for me like there was for you and Matt. If I stay here with him, I will become restless and angry. It’s happening already, and I cannot stop it. I’m becoming bitter and terribly resentful. Before long, I will be intolerable, and eventually, he’ll leave me. But if I do what I have to do, what my very nature compels me to do, and move on, the end is no better. One way or another, he’ll be gone. Is it not wiser to end it now, Sweets, before it gets to that point? Is it not better to accept that this happiness I have is destined to self-destruct?
Tomorrow I will leave. Tomorrow I will stop delaying the inevitable. Tomorrow I will quit lying to myself, and to him.
Tomorrow.
What about today, you ask? Today it’s already too late. He’ll be home soon, and I have dinner on the stove, and wine chilling in the fridge. And he will smile at me when he comes through the door, and I will pretend like this fragile, dangerous thing we have created between us can last forever.
Just one last time, Sweets. Just one last fix. That’s all I need.
And that is why I now understand addiction.”
Every day, I tell myself it will be the last. Every night, as I’m falling asleep in his bed, I tell myself that tomorrow I’ll book a flight to Paris, or Hawaii, or maybe New York. It doesn’t matter where I go, as long as it’s not here. I need to get away from Phoenix—away from him—before this goes even one step further.
And then he touches me again, and my convictions disappear like smoke in the wind.
This cannot end well. That’s the crux of the matter, Sweets. I’ve been down this road before—you know I have—and there’s only heartache at the end. There’s no happy ending waiting for me like there was for you and Matt. If I stay here with him, I will become restless and angry. It’s happening already, and I cannot stop it. I’m becoming bitter and terribly resentful. Before long, I will be intolerable, and eventually, he’ll leave me. But if I do what I have to do, what my very nature compels me to do, and move on, the end is no better. One way or another, he’ll be gone. Is it not wiser to end it now, Sweets, before it gets to that point? Is it not better to accept that this happiness I have is destined to self-destruct?
Tomorrow I will leave. Tomorrow I will stop delaying the inevitable. Tomorrow I will quit lying to myself, and to him.
Tomorrow.
What about today, you ask? Today it’s already too late. He’ll be home soon, and I have dinner on the stove, and wine chilling in the fridge. And he will smile at me when he comes through the door, and I will pretend like this fragile, dangerous thing we have created between us can last forever.
Just one last time, Sweets. Just one last fix. That’s all I need.
And that is why I now understand addiction.”
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