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Haven't
I? - he thought. Haven't I thought of it since the first time I saw you?
Haven't I thought of nothing else for two years? ...He sat motionless, looking
at her. He heard the words he had never allowed himself to form, the words he
had felt, known, yet had not faced, had hoped to destroy by never letting them
be said within his own mind. Now it was as sudden and shocking as if he were
saying it to her ...Since the first time I saw you ...Nothing but your body,
that mouth of yours, and the way your eyes would look at me, if ...Through
every sentence I ever said to you, through every conference you thought so
safe, through the importance of all the issues we discussed ...You trusted me,
didn't you? To recognize your greatness? To think of you as you deserved - as
if you were a man? ...Don't you suppose I know how much I've betrayed? The only
bright encounter of my life - the only person I respected - the best business
man I know - my ally - my partner in a desperate battle ...The lowest of all
desires - as my answer to the highest I've met ...Do you know what I am? I
thought of it, because it should have been unthinkable. For that degrading
need, which would never touch you, I have never wanted anyone but you ...I
hadn't known what it was like, to want it, until I saw you for the first time.
I had thought : Not I, I couldn't be broken by it ...Since then ...For two
years ...With not a moments respite ...Do you know what it's like, to want it?
Would you wish to hear what I thought when I looked at you ...When I lay awake
at night ...When I hear your voice over a telephone wire ...When I worked, but
could not drive it away? ...To bring you down to things you cant conceive - and
to know that it's I who have done it. To reduce you to a body, to teach you an
animal's pleasure, to see you need it, to see you asking me for it, to see your
wonderful spirit dependent on the upon the obscenity of your need. To watch you
as you are, as you face the world with your clean, proud strength - then to see
you, in my bed, submitting to any infamous whim I may devise, to any act which
I'll preform for the sole purpose of watching your dishonor and to which you'll
submit for the sake of an unspeakable sensation ...I want you - and may I be
damned for it!”
She
held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was
nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of
course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously.For
a long time, she held a special place in my heart. I kept this special place
just for her, like a "Reserved" sign on a quiet corner table in a
restaurant. Despite the fact that I was sure I'd never see her again. don't
understand dating.. and the other things that people do.. all I know is that
you ought to find the one you recognize. The one who gives you four arms, four
legs, four eyes, and has the other half of your heart. There's only one of
those, so what are all the other things for? Like dating,.
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